Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
