I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
