she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
