So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Randomize
