I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
