i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
