plz talk dirty to me
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
