The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
My liver just had a heart attack.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
True strength comes from lack of pants
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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