Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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