My sheets look like a crime scene.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
