atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
