I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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