Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
