I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
