So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
