My boss' voice literally gives me gas
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
