And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Randomize
