hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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