ya dads aren't the best wingmen
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
