I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
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He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
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Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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