Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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