I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
