if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
