dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
He did a backflip because drugs
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
