dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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