Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
