Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
