He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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