I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
