Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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