You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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