We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
FUCK WHALES
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
