I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
