Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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