I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
