if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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