You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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