so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
