So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
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so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
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Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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