I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
