I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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