she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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