This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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