Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
