either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
where does the pee come out of this thing
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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