You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
