i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
