it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
