Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
