wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
