Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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