I haven't been this sober since birth.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
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Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
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I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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