So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
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