why do cheetos always look like penises
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
