this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
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OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
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That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.