totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.