Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
